Voice #2


Voice #2

There is nothing but garbage here!

Oh man!, I’m lousy hungry, there has got to be something in here, I haven’t eaten all day.

Food at home, but I can’t go back there, not with him being there, he sucks.

Always groping mom right in front of me, then when she leaves he just stares at me and rubs his pathetic dick making kissing faces at me.

As if, that guy is so gross and old.

I told mom, but she slapped me and said I was ruining everything.

I can never go home, never ever, not with him there.

Climbing into the dumpster behind McDonalds, I see a cup, looks promising, feels heavy,

Score! its still cold, unmelted,

Ice cream!

©The Autobiography of Mr. Perfect, 2013

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12 Responses to Voice #2

  1. jubilare says:

    Wow… so much packed into this. Disturbing, distinctive. Heart-rending, sickening, angering, but the character doesn’t dwell on it. I get the feeling that I like this kid.

  2. Clever use of the garbage line to show us the other side of a coin! Still a young girl, but probably from a poorer background. More self respect, less arguing with herself, though certainly in dire straights. Nice job.

  3. evan72 says:

    It’s so…real. I can hear her suffering in the way you write…wow. The next installment can’t come too quickly.

  4. elmowrites says:

    I like the contrast of starving and starving between these two voices – as you say, the difference between choice and necessity. The voices themselves are different too – impressive how the ‘weaker’ one is the stronger character.

  5. An incredible distinction between this voice and the last. I love her crassness, which makes what she is saying and doing all the more sad for the readers.

  6. Carrie says:

    This is a much different voice, a teenager just wanting to live but stuck struggling.
    The line about the dumpster didn’t ring true to the rest of the piece though. Most of it feels like inner monologue but that one is more of a descriptive statement. Maybe change it to something like “Damn dumpsters are so awkward to get into…is that a cup? Feels cold. YES score. Ice Cream”

  7. writingsprint says:

    Sad, then jaded, then the happiness of a child. This is making me think, really think about the things I take for granted when I write a scene. I need to remember that people see DIFFERENT things. Thanks for the insight.

  8. yikici says:

    This packed a punch with all my emotions, beautifully written and not one redundant line, every word creates a visual image, fab, fab writing.

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