Mr Perfect’s Earliest Memories

Sitting here with my iPhone, did I mention that I do all these posts from my iPhone?, I was pondering my earliest memories. Here are some…

My dad standing on a kitchen chair in the cesspool under our kitchen in Browns Mills, New Jersey.

My brother skating with real skates, not the kind you strapped to the bottom of your snow boots, falling. My mom holding a chunk of lake ice to the goose egg on his head.

Riding down a hill on a sled with my dad, getting a face full of snow, crying. Then my dad wiping it away saying it was okay.

Having an irish setter named jeep.

Going to the zoo, where I had a balloon that my mom tied to the button on my shirt. Me taking it off and then losing my grip, then crying heart felt sobs as it grew smaller and smaller, until it was just a red speck, my mom holding me and saying it was okay.

Getting dressed in a bath house with my dad and grandpa, in Atlantic City after a day at the beach. Thinking that my dad and grandpa had impossibly large penises, and in my haste to put on my underwear I got them wet and had to wear wet underwear the rest of the day.

A neighbor girl coming to the house with her mom in tears. Standing there, as her mom made her give a styrofoam ball to me because she broke a styrofoam kick board that belonged to me, while playing with it down at the lake. I was so sad for her because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d played with the kick board.

When my baby sister came home from the hospital. My older brother asked mom if she could take her back because she cried too much.

Visiting my great grand parents in a huge mansion in Philadelphia, my great grandfather gave me a tube of mercury dimes, and my great grandmother gave me iced Graham crackers.

When we were good we ate tastee cakes. (Butterscotch krimpets, my absolute favorites) They were wrapped in wax paper and we only got them when we visited our great grandparents in Philadelphia.

These things all happened when I lived in with my parents in New Jersey, I was between 2 and 4 years old. This was before I was known as Mr Perfect.

©The Autobiography of Mr. Perfect, 2011, written entirely on my iPhone.

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